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it's not even... [19 Apr 2005|09:27pm]
i need him so bad right now. it's not even that i want him. but he did this to me and it hurts so bad! i hate him with all my heart. and i can't even talk to my mom about it. and i want her! and something happened and i don't know what it is and i'm so scared. everything is just falling apart and i need someone.

and nobody ask why i need him, or even who the hell he is because i'm not telling anyone anything. so don't even think about it!
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[13 Apr 2005|03:18pm]
um today was alright. i'm off grounding *smiles* me and ivan were talking and i think he wants to fuck me. he said... quote " Well I'll tell you now I don't want a girlfriend but if you want to chill with me then it's iight and whatever happens, happens" " I mean don't get me wrong I do like you. And if we ever messed around I wouldn't mess with anyone else but you" Which i like because i don't want a boyfriend. That doesn't really work for me. And Steve is getting sweeter and sweeter by the day. I can't wait till the summer when i see him. I think he's perfect for me. He has great taste in music, he's in a band plays guitar and back up singing, really hott, and sweet. I mean how much better could he get? he told me that i'm the most beautiful person he's ever seen i was like yeeeeah ooohhhhkay! so not true. and if so he must have seen some ass ugly girls. oh and Ivan told me that i was pretty and sexi. yeeah right i'm neither beautiful, pretty, or sexy. I mean damn are these people blind?????????
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*Smiles* [12 Apr 2005|06:47am]
[ mood | Happy ]

Okay so I've been talking to this guy Steve. Who seems like a total sweetheart. Kate thought he was gay. He's funny, can play guitar, really cute, and nice. I mean how much better could it get? And the only fault that he has is that he lives in New York. Which is pretty damn far away! He doesn't smoke-anything. And rarely drinks. Which is probably good for me because I'm stopping. Yeah woah I haven't smoked since Thursday. Pretty good for me especially since I've had the chance to every day. I haven't drank since springbreak. And I'm pretty damn proud of it! *smiles* Hopefully I'll be able to keep it up when I go to Morrisville this weekend. Not sure if I can- but I'll try.
Plus Steve heard me "bitching" to my dad, and still talked to me. So he knows I can bitch and complain. He heard me sing *blushes* which not a lot of people have. Alright well it's like 7 in the morning and a little to early for me to be thinking about things. Plus I didn't do any homework last night- which I should probably be doing. So yeah later. * i heart you * muuah-baby kiss

I'm a bitch I'm a tease I'm a goddess on my knees When you hurt when you suffer I'm your angle undercover *big smiles*

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[07 Apr 2005|04:34pm]
mmk. I've felt so bitchy today. and I don't even know why. I mean i totally flipped on this guy Will on my bus that was just messing with me and afterwards I felt so bad. thank god my neighbor's sister just gave me a cigarette! i feel a little better now. can't wait until saturday I get to see my mommy, my lovely girlfriend, and my babydoll. well whatever. just wanted to let kate know that i'll be in morrisville around 1-1:30 saturday. kk love you lots muah!
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Love...? [06 Apr 2005|12:08am]
[ mood | confused ]

People constantly ask me if I was ever in love. I don't know how to answer... David was pretty much the closest thing to love I've ever felt. What is love anyway? Is it caring for a certain person no matter what they've done, or how much they hurt you? When I think of love, I think of him. Which I think is wrong... he didn't love me. As much as he still tells me he does, even my mom says he loves me because the look in his eye when I'm around. When I'm around him I feel this instant pain, and butterfly feeling. Like I can look him in the eyes and everything is alright. He was there for me through so much.. ever since I was two. I think I fell in love with him a long time before last year. I remember when I was about to see him and I would get so happy, and I was like 5 years old having these feelings. I think he does care about me, he's there for me whenever I need him- still.
But is it actually love? I can live without him, which I've been doing for a couple months now. Last week he saw me do some pretty stupid things, and he told me I worry him. He thinks I do the things I do to make me happy. Which is pretty true. But I think he's more worried that I'm going to turn out to be my mom. Maybe it does show that he cares. Not quite sure. But seriously... what is love?

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Spring Break... [01 Apr 2005|06:01pm]
Alright here it goes...

Thursday` Samantha and Alexis slept over. it was cool. basically the first time I've ever hung out with Alexis. she's an awesome person. funny as fuck when she's stoned!
Friday` I was supposed to go over my mom's. which never happened. Patty's car broke down. So pretty much pissed the entire day.
Saturday` my daddy said I could take the train down to Levittown to see my mommy. then at the last possible moment he changed his mind. Again, another day I was pissed.
Sunday` my mommy and Pat came and picked me up. Went out to the bar for a couple of hours. came back to Johnny's house. David was there. made nice talk with him. ate easter dinner with my mom and Johnny. went over to Kate's house. slept there.
Monday` woke up called my mommy. she came and picked me up. um... can't remember after that?
Tuesday` basically did nothing all day. at night Pat, Maryann, and Lindsey came over and we were all drinking. they were paying me to shake my ass to that big mouth billy bass thing or whatever it's fucking name is..? Maryann tried molesting me soooo many times that night and I was just like "mommmyyyy save me"
Wednesday` don't remember????
Thursday` woke up at 2:30 with my mommy. Johnny and David came home from work and David and I started wrestling. he thought he could kick my ass. yeah i'm sure! so after that I came over Kates. and my mommy called and said she was at Pat's if I wanted to walk over. so I was like sure.. I mean hell they had alcohol and shit like that. so I got fucked up. bad things happened. got into it with Johnny. so I wound up staying at Pat's house. my mom left me there and disappeared for the night. went to sleep around 6 I think? I don't know... can't remember
Friday` still pissed about the whole Johnny thing. hung out with Kate and Nikki. called my mommy. locked myself out of Pat's house accidentally. so i told my mommy that and she said I had to stay at Kate's house because Johnny doesn't want me at his house. Kate has a dance to go to tonight with a bunch of friends and I have nowhere else to go. she already left and I'm in her house basically alone. pretty pissed at the moment.


I fucking hate Johnny. I see him like 3 weeks ago at the bar and I was pretty fucking nice to him. in my point of view. and I open my fucking heart back up to him and pretty much forgive him for all the shit he's done to us. well not really forgive but I stopped giving him an attitude for it. and then when I'm starting to get comfortable around him again and actually trust him he goes and hurts my mom again! I mean what the fuck do I have to do? my mom is my fucking life. anyone that actually knows me that well knows that and she means the fucking world to me, I would do anything for her. and he does that. I mean how fucked up is he????? "he needs to grow some fucking balls and not the kind that make him think he has the right to hit women and children"
and the worst part which I'm going to give David a lot of shit about it is HE FUCKING WATCHED IT HAPPEN!!!!! I mean he's so much fucking stronger and bigger than I am, and he wouldn't do a damned thing. I did! oh and he talks about how him and my mom are friends BULL FUCKING SHIT!

oohhhh and I hate all guys. well most of them. hmmmm... about 99% of them. errr mother fuckers burn in hell!
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*Smiles* [23 Mar 2005|08:18pm]
[ mood | impatient ]

Soooooo happy! i just got done talking to my dadddy. and he said that sam and lexi can sleep over tomorrow. and that friday during the day *what ever time patty wants to drive me* i can go down to morrisville to see my mommmy. and stay until which ever day i want to leave. woah this is a wonderful miracle. i can't wait to tell my mommy. i have to wait until the phone charges. DAMN WHY WON'T IT CHARGE FASTER!?!?! kind of impatient right now. could you blame me?
i get to see kate and nikki, and everyone else. soooo happy. and plus i'm going to have weed when i go down there. SMILES even more! yay! hopefully nothing in school tomorrow will bring down my bad mood... better not! stupid people in school grrrr

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OhhKay? [22 Mar 2005|03:09pm]
[ mood | ERRRRR ]

Alright well i am truely confused...
I'm not allowed to see my mommy. And I'm allowed to go down to trenton. To stay at Kevins. Because this guy Anthony that lives in trenton *one of jesse and kevins friends* likes me although weve never met. So i talked to him on the phone last night and he invited me to his party this weekend. and i'm allowed to go and all that good shi↑. but i want to see my mommy. so what i was thinking was going to see her while i was down there. but that would be betraying my daddy's trust. and him and i have a great little "friendship?" and i want him to be able to trust me. i mean he lets me go where i want. although i almost never leave my house. without any questions. he lets me do what i want. which i like and i don't want to loose. so i'm really confused. but it just pisses me off spring break starts in a couple of days and my mom and i made major plans together because i wanted to spend it with her. and now i can't errrr! so right now i have no idea what to do...
plus fucking winslow school district is stupid as hell! i mean they told me that i haven't gotten a type of shot in my entire life and i wasn't allowed to come back to school until i had it done. so i look on my shot record and i've had it 3 fucking times! how stupid could they possibly be? it just pisses me off they had me pissed/excited yesterday. pissed because i couldn't miss anymore days w/o failing yet happy because i didn't have to go to school. then i come home to find out that they were bullshiting me. so all that fucking drama i put myself threw was worthless. err. i really miss not having to go here. i mean when i was in morrisville i basically went everyday except days that i would skip with my friends. which was only 3 times. i missed 4 days of school in morrisville i've missed 19 in winslow. do you realize where i'm happier at????? i just can't wait to get my ass the fuck out of here! alright... ending on that little "happy" note.

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Mmm... [15 Mar 2005|03:13pm]
[ mood | drained ]

yeah so... i don't even know everythings so weird. i got so effing shy today in front of this guy and i don't even know why. i mean i can be shy but i'm usually not and i don't know what was wrong with me. like i didn't even say one word to him and he's so effing sexy! yeah so i figured it out- no more friends with benefits. i want a relationship. and not with just anyone. i want to be able to trust him, not be scared to get hurt (which will be hard) and be attracted to him. kate and i were having all of these deep conversations saturday night/morning. and like i think the guys that i'm emotionally attracted to i'm not physically. and it's hard to be with someone if i don't have both. alright let's look back... evan i was both, nick i was emotionally, david i was pretty much both. and those are basically the only guys that i've seriously liked. and notice how all of them fucked me over in some way or another? i wanna dye my hair back to blonde this weekend. i'm just getting sick of the black. joe was pretty happy when i told him. he truely hates my hair right now. not that he's the reason i wanna dye it back. a lot of people told me that i look better blonde and i honestly don't care so i guess majority rules? whatever.
okay well i miss my darling kate already. i love spending time with her. i mean i can honestly tell her anything and everything it's like we have this automatic bond. and the conversations we had i've never gotten so deep with anyone. we pratically talked about everything in our lives even the past.
oh and i'm really upset with jared. when i first met him holy shiz i thought he was just the greatest. i mean he wasn't ugly but he wasn't hott and that really didn't matter because he was just such a sweetheart and i could be honest with him and he would help me out. and now everythings changed i don't talk to him anymore and i'm pretty sure it's because of his girlfriend which really pissed me off. the one day he tells me how he never stopped liking me and then he just stops talking to me. but whatever his lost. i don't need that in my life. so better off just to forget about him.
things are just really weird i'm having all these feelings and it's just like i want someone who will be there for me. and not use me or any of the shit i've gone threw before. well alright. yeah i feel like a loser now so i'm out. later

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Kill Me Now... [02 Mar 2005|04:28pm]
I don't care anymore. About anything- school friends guys- nothing!
without my mom being happy nothing else matters. she is what keeps me going. she's what keeps me from not loosing my mind here and guess what it's all gone! she's fucking leaving will! you know why?!?!
He won't take her out to the fucking bar anymore. Because she doesn't have a job because she was drinking too much and they fired her. So she has to take care of Mya during the day. Mya is my heart I love that little girl to death! And my mom doesn't want to fucking take care of her so she's going to just get up and fucking leave. maybe i am more like my mom than i thought. were both dependent on something. her thing is alcohol mines is- not even worth mentioning. we both can't take heart ache. and when things get hard we get up and fucking leave my god! i know that i'm that way but i don't want my mom to be. i mean isn't she supposed to set a good example and not let me become like her?
I GIVE UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M DONE!!! WITH EVERYTHING! i don't care at all anymore. I don't need friends and I don't need a life! Screw it all!
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